Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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