So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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