I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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