He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
