she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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