I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
When are your genitals available?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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