I'm lost and stupid without you.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Did I show you my penis last night?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
