my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
