No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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