You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
