one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
