I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
