I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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