i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
