I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
there's paper in my vomit.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
