She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
