I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
