dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
