I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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