i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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