Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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