I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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