he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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