we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
