I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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