I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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