At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize