her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And then he peed in my hair
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