I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
