I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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