If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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