her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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