I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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