Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
