If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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