I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
