1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
