I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
