so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
