just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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