After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
