do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
