i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
