hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
