Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
