I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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