I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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