i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i love accidental penises.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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