Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
