using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
