Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
