I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
