I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
