i think my tv is drunk
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
