I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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